Characters like black bisexual lawyer Annalise Keating from ABC’s How To Get Away With Murder may be among television’s most memorable, but she is a rarity. Of 881 regular characters expected to appear on broadcast primetime scripted television in the coming year only 35 or 4 percent were identified as gay, lesbian, or bisexual, according to GLADD. The highest percentage of LGBT characters the media advocacy group has ever recorded in broadcast programming was 4.4 in the 2012-13 season.

When it comes to representation of transgender characters, streaming shows like Netflix’s Orange Is the New Black and Amazon’s Transparent have lead the way. Laverne Cox played black transgender inmate Sophia to accolades for many seasons on Orange Is the New Black, while Jeffrey Tambor won an Emmy award this year for his portrayal of Maura, a father coming out as transgender to her family.

For the first time, GLADD surveyed streaming networks and found 7 percent of LGBT characters were transgender, compared with 2 percent on cable TV and zero percent on primetime broadcasts. However, only one transgender man was seen in streaming shows as a series regular. “LGBT people of color have remained underrepresented for years, and transgender men have been all but invisible in the media,” wrote GLADD CEO Sarah Kate Ellis, in the report.

The survey found representations of disabilities had declined this year on broadcast primetime TV and only one character, Oliver, from How to Get Away With Murder is HIV positive.

Still, overall things are getting better, albeit slowly. The number of regular LGBT characters on cable shows increased from 64 to 84, while recurring characters increased from 41 to 58, according to GLADD.

“Each of us lives at the intersection of many identities and it’s important that television characters reflect the full diversity of the LGBT community,” wrote Ellis. “It is not enough to just include LGBT characters; those characters need to be portrayed with thought and care to accurately represent an often tokenized community.”

There is a thing called basketball, and some people like watching it–especially people in the Midwestern regions of the United States. This month, something called “March Madness” is happening, and there is a thing called “bracketology” that people do. It sounds like Scientology, and has some of the same creepy religious trappings. It involves filling out a flo chart, counting thetans and betting on which final four college teams will be in the playoffs. Beer and money is exchanged, and if you are me, also dirty looks. But when your bae likes b-ball, you have to find a way to b supportive, right?

I first learned about “March Madness” when taking a bus from New York to Minneapolis. Twas during the ides of March and I recall encountering some elated kids in face paint. I asked them what the f was up and they said: “duh we just won! MARCH MADNESS! WOoooooo!

We were in a McDonalds in Edina, Wisconsin, if that’s even a place. I got a bacon cheeseburger and went on with my life. Years later, the madness has returned to me, and since today is the start of all the insanity, I need to find a way to fit in and support the basketball-y inclined ones in my life.

So… for the non-fans among us I present: MARCH MASCOT MADNESS! Now you too can join in on the anger and sports-related rage that rises in March, even if you haven’t the faintest clue or care about what’s going on court side.

Without further adieu, Here are my final four or five or six….my bracket racket, tip-off, foul ball, slam dunk, halftime.

Number 7:

Wichita State has this guy, he’s supposed to be a bundle of wheat, but looks more like Frankenstein on a sick day. He goes by the name “WuShock” and we would be WuShocked if he didn’t make it into the final four. His facial furrows indicate that he’s seen some stuff go down.

Peter Aiken/Getty Images

6)Oklahoma State has this work of art representing their team, the Cowboys. Pistol Pete doesn’t look particularly uplifting, but people cheer, hoping to lift his spirits and help him forget his years of drinking and the wife who left him for a younger happier man.

Nelson Chenault-USA TODAY Sports

5) Ohio State’s mascot needs much explanation. Is he a doughnut hole? A combo? A prison inmate? Something sexual? Nope, he is Brutus Buckeye! Buckeyes are this kind of candy, also a tree, also what people from Ohio call themselves #whoknew?

Peanut butter and chocolate candy made to resemble the nut of a buckeye tree.

4) Praise the lord! The Providence Friar is here, and we are very afraid of his wrath. It’s hard to know what to even say about this “mascot” without being disrespectful to an entire religion, so just take a look and be wowed.

Chris McGrath/Getty Images

3) Wow we are already at number three…my how time flies, like the flying nun above. Louisiana-Lafayette presents a sunburned carrot to cheer on its team, the Ragin’ Cajuns. This guy (or butch woman?) is supposed to be a hot pepper, not a California Raisin on a good hair day. He has a slightly evil glint in his eyes, like some villain that didn’t quite make it into that movie Avatar.

Jamie Squire/Getty Images

2) This winning mascot is the absolute crème de la crème of sports mascots, and obviously it comes from Stanford University! What is it, you may ask? Is it Fraggle Rock? A garbage heap? A tornado? A marijuana bush? Nope. It’s a tree, the logical representative for the team named Cardinal. It’s hard to say what is most disturbing about this mascot, from its drunken eyes to its shoddy construction, this mascot’s goal is clearly to distract the other team and to that end, it is clearly doing a wonderful job.

Marjory the Trash Heap from Fraggle Rock.

The winning mascot, this lumberjack, is the one that truly makes us March mad. Aside from the fact that this month of madness–and sports in general—is focused primarily on men’s teams, this mascot’s primary feature (aside from his queer-friendly mullet), is his ability to bench (im)press ladies. Stephen F. Austin Lumberjacks, we are #Notimpressed

While we appreciate the Brawny paper towel aesthetic as much as the next person, we can’t help but wish this guy were more of a helpful Mr. Clean type and less of an expert in the sport of woman lifting. Still, it’s nice to be able to share in the March Madness, so thank you Mr. Lumberjack.

Many young women no longer call themselves feminists because the label is either too defined–bra burning hippie lesbians, or not defined enough—the most popular Google search relating to feminism is: “what is feminism,” garnering 1,220,000 hits globally per month.

Notice how numbers compare with searches for “sex” below.

Other women cling to the term, certain that what they fight for and believe in is the quintessential definition of feminism, one they will defend doggedly and woe be it unto those who do things differently and dare to claim the moniker.

Then there are phenomenon a like “Girl Power,” the Spice Girls’ version of “feminism,” which in many ways served to undercut women’s struggles by branding, commodifying and selling them back to society in a packaged from, divorced in many ways from substance.

It’s so pretty and sparkly!

It is doubtful that the Spice Girls provided feminist epiphanies, but I can’t categorically say they didn’t. If their feminist struggle was to make as much money as boy bands, I can sympathize. If their struggle was to get along and respect each others ideas and contributions as a group of women, recent controversy over the “Future of Online Feminism” (#femfuture) report helps me sympathize here too.

The report was issued by Courtney Martin and Vanessa Valenti, women who strive to make a career in feminism. A career in feminism can mean many things, from the terrifying fluff of “girl power” to working at a domestic violence shelter or as an inspired politician. For Martin and Valenti, it means creating media. Martin has authored books and Valenti founded Feministing.com

Much of the recent backlash surrounding Valenti and Martin’s report seems to stem from the fact that they didn’t include all feminist bloggers and from the idea that Valenti and Martin have the gall to think they should get paid for what others term “online activism.”

Brittney Cooper is founder of Crunkfeministcollective.com and a participant in the “Future of Online Feminism” report. Above, she engages with feminists who question the inclusivity of the report.

This critique comes as Jezebel, the for-profit feminist juggernaut rolled out a platform (very similar to Feministing’s) by which users may create their own content and have their own blog as part of Jezebel. But don’t worry, Jezebel says, ‘we’re not trying to make money off of you, just give us all your genius ideas.’ Who needs unpaid internships when we can all write for free for Jezebel for free?

But guess what, Jezebel’s definitely got me beat. Nearly 50 percent of “feminist” articles I come across through friends have the Jezebel brand attached to them. I’m not saying that all the content is original and theirs, but they have found a way (paying people!!) to amplify their influence.

This brings us to some intersectionality of a different kind. Discussion surrounding online feminism is not just about feminism, but also about women’s labor and the creative class, a group of people who add tremendous value to society, but often work without fair compensation. Money is the system we have here, money is how I buy my food. While capitalism is far from perfect and a product of the patriarchy, and while one wouldn’t want a big bank dictating how to run a feminist website, as one of my favorite bloggers (soon to publish a book) says, “bitches gotta eat.”

All those who work–whatever that work may be— should have the option of, or a pathway towards compensation. Content isn’t inherently free. Why should women, many of us already facing glass ceilings and pay disparities, also be told that our words hold no value, when statistics show that we own the Internet?

While the Internet has split open a chorus of voices, those who have time and energy to excercise their freedom of speech without compensation are a privileged few, those who gain traction even fewer.

With the rise of unpaid media internships, where college kids add value to already rich publications in exchange for a leg up, what becomes of the lone blogger who works nights and only finds time to pursue her true passion occasionally? What becomes of the trained writer who is forced to work for companies or publications that rarely focus on feminist issues? Worse yet, what becomes of the public, inhaling corporate dictated “girl power” by the gallon and rape culture by the mile? What happens as “thinspiration” becomes a mainstream word? I am not saying this *will* happen if feminist writers are not compensated, but that it has.

Economic disparities of the great recession have drawn clear lines between the haves and have-nots, and while grassroots online feminism has done something to mitigate the backlash against oppressed people which often occurs during times of economic downturn, think of how much more could have been done with funding. Maybe we can kickstart our way to a place in the sun like Amanda Palmer, but is that really sustainable for everyone? For people with friends who don’t have money to give? As Valenti and Martin write, “An unfunded movement further privileges the privileged.” What a funded movement may accomplish remains to be seen.

Maybe we can just be “weekend feminists” with day jobs managing other websites or driving taxis, but when writing about feminist issues is what we want to do for a living, why shouldn’t we be able to?

*This article was made possible by the generous sponsorship of jury duty.

This product will literally make you gag–just try brushing your tongue, the latest unclean organ.

Number 9: Lip Explosion!

Kabooom. Your lips have exploded. Go pick up the pieces of your flesh all over the floor. This product seems like it’s along the lines of “Lip Venom,” meant to increase the size of women’s lips via some magical chemical that should “only be used within your natural lip line” and that “should not be used by pregnant women.” It sounds really safe!

Number 8: Frownies:

So, why you look so sad? Tears are in your eyes…c’mon and talk to meeee now… Our reader Christine turned us on to this patent-medicine era cure-all for wrinkles. As is often the case, this product was created when a mother turned her critical eye on her daughter, deciding that though talented, the girl was simply not looking good.

Frownies were created in 1889 after Margaret Kroesen discovered that her daughter Alice, a concert pianist, had developed unsightly wrinkles and frown lines. With a desire to maintain her youthful beauty and stage presence, Mrs. Kroesen created Wrinkle Eradicators (as they were first called) by employing the basic principle of fitness to the muscles of the face. At the time, there was no thought of producing them for anyone else but herself and her daughter. But Alice, after using her mother’s amazing invention, was a living testimony, and it became clear that women and men everywhere could benefit from these Wrinkle Eradicators.

Kroesen went on to join a company called B&P (Beauty and Personality) where she eventually got her daughter the pianist to help her pedal anti-wrinkle products. The women in her family continue to follow suit to this day, devoting their lives to preventing wrinkles.

Margaret Kroesen, Frownies Founder conveniently wore bangs, so we may never know if she had wrinkles. Below, Frownies for the eyelids in full effect.

Number 7: Teeth Covers:

These are not as horrific as they are strange. Some people can’t afford dental care or have a fear of dentists, and for those people we present teeth covers. These are not fake teeth, but teeth that you wear over your existing teeth–think Halloween teeth but reverse Billy-Bob.

 Number 6: Tooth Paint:

Apparently they make white-out for your teeth. I wonder what it tastes like? Apparently it won’t come off for 24 hours, even if you drink alcohol. Phew.

Number 5: Circle Lenses:

The blog Cute In Korea turned us on to these contact lenses that can make your eyes look just like Sailor Moon’s! Circle lenses are all the rage in Korea, taking off where colored contacts leave off, these lenses include star shapes and are meant to enlarge the iris. The results are pretty jaw dropping.

Though the trend is somewhat disturbing, we would like to give props to Korea for putting the Fake in Fake Pretty. These beauty innovators have taken enhancement to cartoonish levels, perhaps even to the level of hybridization.

Cute in Korea’s Elle also pointed out another interesting trend she spotted. Apparently beauty products in that country are increasingly advertised by dolls- think Steve Madden ads or those Bratz toys. For more on that, visit her blog.

Number 4: Double Chin Strap:

There are so many variations of this gadget that it’s ridiculous. Either it really works, or people are willing to do just about anything to get rid of a turkey neck. Heck, we have our chin strap on right now. It makes eating chocolate cake difficult, but whatever. Beauty hurts.

Number 3: Smile Trainer:

When your smile refuses to do all the heavy lifting happiness requires, it might be time for the Beauty Smile Trainer. This device promises to turn your frowns upside down. It’s unclear exactly how, but we will leave the guesswork up to you. Maybe you just look at the device for a few seconds everyday and laugh hysterically? That’s probably how it works.

Thanks to April for this one!

Number 2: Ear Splints:

Do your ears swing low? Worse yet, do your baby’s ears swing low? A number of companies are marketing ear splints for infants and adults. These splints promise to put your ears back where they belong, making you generally less adorable. No one wants a baby that looks like Dumbo, he was too cute.

Number 1: My New Pink Dot Labia Dye:

This product is too horrific to even imagine, yet obviously someone did imagine it, because it exists. Apparently some women (or their partners?)  are unhappy with the color of their labia–that, or the advertising geniuses responsible for making every woman in America feel fat are at it again. This paint will apparently dye your lady parts a pleasant pink or ginger color, depending upon your preference.

This patent pending formula was designed by a female certified Paramedical Esthetician after she discovered her own genital color loss. While looking online for a solution she discovered thousands of other women asking the same questions regarding their color loss. After countless searches revealing no solution available and a discussion with her own gynecologist she decided to create her own. Now there is a solution!

Reading the “customer reviews” which are mostly snarky and hilarious or feigning confusion, it becomes clear that Karan Mari, the creator of My New Pink Button is probably not earning much income for this particular creation.

Most of the products listed in this roundup can be found on Amazon. Click our carousel widget, and make sure not to buy anything accidentally. Who knows what you could end up looking like!?!

Do you have a “droopy derierre” ?  Girl, you better not! No excuse for that.