It’s hard to put into words just exactly the kind of hyper-gendered scandal this store perpetuates on American women, but I will try. First of all, the color scheme, pink and white, is enough to send any little girl into Barbie land–a bad place in the mind reserved for hairless bodies and male fantasy. The “helpful” women in the store are all dressed in conservative black slacks and blazers, in strict contrast to the brightly colored underwear adorning the translucent mannequins aka torsos without faces, arms, legs or substance.

While the store does sell underwear, what is mostly being sold is sex, or hope of sex. People may come to “spice things up,” to “rekindle,” “impress,” or buy gifts guaranteed to make a recipient feel she could be more attractive. Even the gift certificates in this place, marked with the phrase “I Do,” carry a social message: now that you are married, get sexy. You will obviously need lots of help to do this.

“I do” gift card, for all the times when you feel like you don’t.

Victoria’s Secret “Tied the Knot” underwear with knotted sides so that the “knot” may be easily untied. Clever.

In its “Sexy Little Fantasies” category, Victoria’s Secret infantilizes women while sexualizing them; “Sexy Little Santa Baby” may be the best and most ridiculous example of this. Shhh don’t tell…it’s Victoria’s Secret.

Sexy Little….Halloween Costumes?

The store positions itself using the idea of the “secret” to imply that if you are a woman, there is always something missing, something hidden, something without which you are less than ideal. However, if we want to get critical about Victoria’s Secret, it has become rather evident that her secret is to make women feel like they aren’t feminine enough and then sell them femininity, as if it can be bought. She’s a smart lady.

This product will literally make you gag–just try brushing your tongue, the latest unclean organ.

Number 9: Lip Explosion!

Kabooom. Your lips have exploded. Go pick up the pieces of your flesh all over the floor. This product seems like it’s along the lines of “Lip Venom,” meant to increase the size of women’s lips via some magical chemical that should “only be used within your natural lip line” and that “should not be used by pregnant women.” It sounds really safe!

Number 8: Frownies:

So, why you look so sad? Tears are in your eyes…c’mon and talk to meeee now… Our reader Christine turned us on to this patent-medicine era cure-all for wrinkles. As is often the case, this product was created when a mother turned her critical eye on her daughter, deciding that though talented, the girl was simply not looking good.

Frownies were created in 1889 after Margaret Kroesen discovered that her daughter Alice, a concert pianist, had developed unsightly wrinkles and frown lines. With a desire to maintain her youthful beauty and stage presence, Mrs. Kroesen created Wrinkle Eradicators (as they were first called) by employing the basic principle of fitness to the muscles of the face. At the time, there was no thought of producing them for anyone else but herself and her daughter. But Alice, after using her mother’s amazing invention, was a living testimony, and it became clear that women and men everywhere could benefit from these Wrinkle Eradicators.

Kroesen went on to join a company called B&P (Beauty and Personality) where she eventually got her daughter the pianist to help her pedal anti-wrinkle products. The women in her family continue to follow suit to this day, devoting their lives to preventing wrinkles.

Margaret Kroesen, Frownies Founder conveniently wore bangs, so we may never know if she had wrinkles. Below, Frownies for the eyelids in full effect.

Number 7: Teeth Covers:

These are not as horrific as they are strange. Some people can’t afford dental care or have a fear of dentists, and for those people we present teeth covers. These are not fake teeth, but teeth that you wear over your existing teeth–think Halloween teeth but reverse Billy-Bob.

 Number 6: Tooth Paint:

Apparently they make white-out for your teeth. I wonder what it tastes like? Apparently it won’t come off for 24 hours, even if you drink alcohol. Phew.

Number 5: Circle Lenses:

The blog Cute In Korea turned us on to these contact lenses that can make your eyes look just like Sailor Moon’s! Circle lenses are all the rage in Korea, taking off where colored contacts leave off, these lenses include star shapes and are meant to enlarge the iris. The results are pretty jaw dropping.

Though the trend is somewhat disturbing, we would like to give props to Korea for putting the Fake in Fake Pretty. These beauty innovators have taken enhancement to cartoonish levels, perhaps even to the level of hybridization.

Cute in Korea’s Elle also pointed out another interesting trend she spotted. Apparently beauty products in that country are increasingly advertised by dolls- think Steve Madden ads or those Bratz toys. For more on that, visit her blog.

Number 4: Double Chin Strap:

There are so many variations of this gadget that it’s ridiculous. Either it really works, or people are willing to do just about anything to get rid of a turkey neck. Heck, we have our chin strap on right now. It makes eating chocolate cake difficult, but whatever. Beauty hurts.

Number 3: Smile Trainer:

When your smile refuses to do all the heavy lifting happiness requires, it might be time for the Beauty Smile Trainer. This device promises to turn your frowns upside down. It’s unclear exactly how, but we will leave the guesswork up to you. Maybe you just look at the device for a few seconds everyday and laugh hysterically? That’s probably how it works.

Thanks to April for this one!

Number 2: Ear Splints:

Do your ears swing low? Worse yet, do your baby’s ears swing low? A number of companies are marketing ear splints for infants and adults. These splints promise to put your ears back where they belong, making you generally less adorable. No one wants a baby that looks like Dumbo, he was too cute.

Number 1: My New Pink Dot Labia Dye:

This product is too horrific to even imagine, yet obviously someone did imagine it, because it exists. Apparently some women (or their partners?)  are unhappy with the color of their labia–that, or the advertising geniuses responsible for making every woman in America feel fat are at it again. This paint will apparently dye your lady parts a pleasant pink or ginger color, depending upon your preference.

This patent pending formula was designed by a female certified Paramedical Esthetician after she discovered her own genital color loss. While looking online for a solution she discovered thousands of other women asking the same questions regarding their color loss. After countless searches revealing no solution available and a discussion with her own gynecologist she decided to create her own. Now there is a solution!

Reading the “customer reviews” which are mostly snarky and hilarious or feigning confusion, it becomes clear that Karan Mari, the creator of My New Pink Button is probably not earning much income for this particular creation.

Most of the products listed in this roundup can be found on Amazon. Click our carousel widget, and make sure not to buy anything accidentally. Who knows what you could end up looking like!?!

This pop-up beauty salon hosted by Hair Force One, a collective of untrained and unlicensed renegade queer hair dressers served many happy customers today at 221 Quincy Street. Katy Perry blasted from the speakers, the keg flowed freely and everything was right with the world. If you happen to be in the area today before 10 p.m., you can stop by Phresh Cutz to dance with the team. Tell them Fake Pretty sent you ; )

Time to take beauty into your own hands!

In Solidarity,

Your Scissor Sister, Fake Pretty xoxox.

Though Amazon may take some inspiration from the tribe of notoriously one-breasted women (Amazons) who enjoyed shooting arrows through the hearts of men, these products offer a different kind of sting– the sting of perfection!!! OUCH.

“Fat Girl Slim” and “Fat Girl Sleep” (products that seem like commands you might give an animal) are our personal favorites. Though the flatulence deodorizing pads brought to our attention by a reader are also pretty amazing. If you are worried about smells, you could just use the reshaping nose clips pictured above and never have to deal with unpleasant scents ever again. Do you have any products to add to this horrific list?

What are YOUR beauty secrets?

You may find yourself wondering what this contraption is. It is a breast pillow (but of course) meant to prevent chest wrinkles. Now I might not know much about much, but I do know that this is ridiculous.

Check it out on Amazon

Customers have mixed feelings as to the effectiveness of this particular device, but their biggest problem of all is that it doesn’t come in other colors. WTF.