The show is a reality TV modeling competition on The Oxygen Network that premiered in February 2013. Hosted by Nigel Barker, a former judge on America’s Next Top Model, the series follows three supermodel coaches, Coco Rocha, Karolina Kurkova, and Naomi Cambell, as they compete with each other to find “the face” of ULTA beauty, a beauty retailer in the United States.

For the most part, all lines in the cut-up poem appear in chronological order. Nature works in mysterious ways.

Karolina Kurkova in the makeup chair.
[Source photo by Walter Sassard for Oxygen Media]

THE FACE
(a poem composed entirely of found lines from season one of THE FACE)

The theme is sassy yet classy
Dress professionally yet relaxed

Be daring… the spirit of revolution
Military green apparel with a girly twist

Trend-setting fashionista, but accessible
Rough and edgy yet stylish

Celebrity style with glamour and sophistication
Quickly relaxed looks pulled off with ease

Inspired by free love, comfortable & flowing
Masculine pieces with a feminine touch

Can you believe you will have lingerie named after you?
Having to switch from sexy to conservative messes up my flow

To see them come together for a pillow fight
This is not fun—I am breaking inside

I don’t want to be the rookie anymore
I’m not doing an intervention with a psycho

I wouldn’t call any of them conservative
I know I’m doing this for my family

Girls, what do you think is happening today?
How fast can you get an outfit on without ruining your hair and make-up?

I didn’t even notice that my doorknob was hanging out
There is only one

You are the winner of a $5,000 shopping spree to Marshalls™
But career is second to family

I have to put being a mother first
Wearing dresses that are 10 to 30 pounds

I don’t want to fall down the stairs
I don’t like what she does with her mouth

It’s not going to be easy for either of you to select a girl
Sick of getting the holy ghost every time you win

You’re going to make people love this beanbag
(She fluffs a zebra-print beanbag)

I’m not the same girl
What’s in your bag?

I don’t want anything really awkward to come out of this bag
Extraordinary people sharing extraordinary products

(She pulls out a pair of bunny slippers)
You’re a little too old to be homesick

I’m frustrated because I love being black
Can you see my wrinkles here?

If this were a poker game
I would have all my chips on myself coming back

You’re not friends, you all want the same thing
I wanted to keep the girls who wanted to be here

Come on, Coco
I kept the best girls

Do not say my girl lied
You better recheck your facts

You better check your lipstick before you
Come and talk to me

What is trend development?
Tinted moisturizers, mineral foundation

They have shea butter in them
“Yes, I want to look like that”

Incredibly feminine and ageless
There’s no one like her

Walking the walk. [Image source: Oxygen]

]]> http://fakepretty.com/2013/04/the-face-lift-oxygens-popular-tv-show-inspires-cut-up-poem/feed/ 2 http://fakepretty.com/2013/04/top-10-hottest-attorneys-general-according-to-president-obama/ http://fakepretty.com/2013/04/top-10-hottest-attorneys-general-according-to-president-obama/#comments Sat, 06 Apr 2013 00:53:17 +0000 prettyfake http://fakepretty.com/?p=853 Though President Obama recently apologized to California State Attorney General Kamala Harris for dubbing her the “best-looking” State Attorney General, his work is far from over. Obama must now apologize to nine other incredibly attractive AGs.

Feeling the burn of presidential slight are runners up: Attorney Generals Kathleen Kane (D) of Pennsylvania, Pam Bondi (R) of Florida, Lisa Madigan (D) of Illinois, Doug Gansler (D) of Maryland, Lori Swanson (D) of Minnesota, Marty Jackley (R) of South Dakota, Martha Coakley (D) of Massachusets, Jack Conway (D) of Kentucky and Missouri’s Chris Koster (D), who has beautiful clear blue eyes.

Attorney General Kathleen Kane’s husband was reportedly upset that his wife wasn’t top of Obama’s list, as she is a dead ringer for Nancy Kerrigan and looks excellent in power suit.

“Attorney General Kane has no comment, but her husband respectfully disagrees with the president,” said Dennis Fisher, the attorney general’s spokesperson. [pennlive.com]

Kathleen Kane, Attorney General of PA and Obama’s “second choice.”

Florida State Attorney General Pam Bondi, who has the sexiest name of any Attorney General, had little chance of winning Obama’s heart since she is a card carrying Republican. Floridians feel she was robbed.

Bondi has the beach babe look that would have made her a natural winner in George Bush’s AG beauty contest.

Next up is Lisa Madigan (D) of Illinois. Madigan has that Sarah Palin look that was so popular several years back, and from some angles, she even looks like Demi Moore.

Lisa Madigan has been on the cover of magazines, obviously she’s the most beautiful, right?

Given Obama’s ties to Illinois, her lack of recognition is striking to Chicago news outlets and to Madigan herself, who favors a runner up.

“Kamala is terrific. But if you ask me, I’d vote for Jack Conway. But let’s be honest, there’s not a lot of competition—there’s a reason people say elected office is ‘Hollywood for ugly people.’ Have you seen some of my predecessors??!?”

Madigan told the Courier-Journal

Conway of Kentucky was flattered at Madigan’s suggestion that he was the most attractive.

Kentucky Attorney General Jack Conway, with his devilish grin and all around good looks was a natural choice for most attractive attorney general.

“This could make for an awkward National Summer meeting of the Attorneys General,” Conway told the Courier-Journal. “At the rate this thing is going, I am afraid someone is going to call for swimsuit and talent competitions,” joked Conway. “But, in all seriousness, I work with a tremendous group of state Attorneys General, and ultimately I hope we are each judged by our character and our actions.”

Word on the street is Conway looks great in a swim suit.

Though overlooked in this particular contest, Maryland Attorney General Doug Gansler is a total hunk.

With looks that would make a clear leading man on Law and Order, Gansler must often hear people remark: ‘Is he an attorney general, or does he just play one on TV?’ With offices so close to Obama’s own White House, it is surprising a face like his could be forgotten.

Lori Swanson of Minnesota is more than ‘Minnesota nice’ when it comes to appearences.

Swanson is darn right cute, even in a power suit.

South Dakota’s Marty Jackley has a sort of George Clooney sex-appeal. You can tell he’s good in bed.

Marty Jackley is super hot.

It’s not hard to picture Jackley laying down the law, he is a total silver fox.

Martha Coakley of Massachusets is a classic New England beauty. Like Swanson, she might be described as “cute” by someone like Obama. She has aged gracefully and can cook a mean beef stroganoff.

Attorney General Martha Coakley manages to be classically beautiful and cute while appearing judicial.

Though a bit atypical with his ginger hair, Attorney General Chris Koster has a bit of a Robert Redford thing going on.

His ruddy complexion and clear blue eyes as well as his cheerful tie make him a logical pick for next year’s hottest attorney general contest.

We are queering sex toys. Put these on your bf or gf or non-gendered sex friend. Wear them on top of clothing, to the mall, whatever. You heard it here first, vaginal panties for all occasions!

The future is latex and now and it feels like sex, but what does sex feel like?

Also, yesterday Terri Gross was talking about this book “Sex and the Citadel” with author Shereen El Feki, and the conversation turned to FGM in the Arab world and it hurt so much I had to switch to Lite FM.

Has that ever happened to you? I wanted to put on my vaginal armor.

Wait, what? It’s not everyone’s favorite show?!

A bit of Internet research revealed that people LOVE to hate Lena Dunham, the show’s creator and star. People call her fat and ugly, and either use this as a reason to attack the show or to love it, as if being average looking was some new political statement.

Being average and famous is nothing new, check out the entire cast of Jersey Shore or any other reality TV show. What makes Dunham so polarizing is that she dared to rise up from the ranks of averageness powered only by her own chutzpah (and Judd Apatow), and now that she is in the limelight, she continues to remain a slob-story.

Other women rise from the ranks of averageness, but when they “arrive” most make sure to adhere to a typical brand of femininty. As a reward, these women, instead of (or at least in addition to) being called fat and ugly, get referred to as the “girl next door“– think of the rise of the perfectly average and extremely manufactured Britney Spears.

This may all be old news, but what isn’t old news is how much Lena Dunham actually looks like Britney Spears

Exhibit A:

Lena Dunham

Britney Spears

Twinsies?

Lena Dunham

Britney Spears making sexy face.

You want more proof:

Lena Dunham-Spears and Britney Spears-Dunham.

They both like leather jackets:

Britney Spears makes Lena Dunham Faces:

Lena Dunham makes Britney Faces (and check out her Britney neck!):

Whether or not the media has been “nicer” to Britney Spears or to Lena Dunham is up for debate. I would argue that Britney Spears had a gradual fall from grace, while people had strong feelings about Lena Dunham the second she appeared on HBO. Though both women seem to deal differently with issues of appearance–Dunham preferring to appear on camera with little makeup and Spears often caking it on–they both are attacked for their appearance, and it hurts. It might actually hurt us more than it hurts either of these women specifically, because it sends a message to society that it is ok to denigrate women. I am reminded of the tearful Chris Crocker video in which he asked people to lay off Spears, who was going through a tough time:

In light of the recent Oscars show, where host Seth McFarlane made it clear that the only thing women in entertainment are good for is entertaining men, it becomes clear that this culture of trashing women is pervasive and poisonous and needs to end. Whether you choose to adhere to typical expressions of femininty or not,  if you are a woman, someone will always be there to attack you or remind you that you are there to be judged, even if you are only 9 years old, as Oscar nominee Quvenzhane Wallis was when McFarlane suggested her body would no longer be of sexual use to George Clooney when she was over 18. How disgusting. Perhaps it is heartening that the Oscars have been panned, and maybe it signals some sort of sea-change, wherein female public figures are not judged first for their looks and then for their docility, however more likely it means absolutely nothing. The show will go on. BTW, South Park has always been way better than Family Guy anyway.

My mother is a scientist, and though I think she meant well, her repeated assurances to me when I was a child that masturbation was healthy and nothing to be ashamed of seemed to have a reverse effect on me, where I never developed a childhood or adolescent masturbation practice. I don’t know why this is—it’s possible that I associated masturbation with being alone, or lonely, and that association was  associated with my parents’ divorce when I was five.

I can’t remember exactly when I had my first bona fide orgasm, but it was definitely during sex—around age 17, and in the throes of first love. It was undoubtedly a clitoral orgasm, one that resulted from the repeated friction of our pubic mounds. I found I could come relatively easily this way, in girl-on-top or missionary position, even two or three times in one session. I happily had orgasms in this fashion for the next several years.

When I started dating Johnny at age 23, I already knew he was on a sexual vision quest, and we quested together for seven years. Johnny is notoriously upfront about his prolific masturbation, his fantasies and so on. It was he who suggested I get some sex toys and start masturbating, so that I might explore my full genitalia and pleasure potential. So, that’s how I came to give myself an orgasm for the first time at age 24— which led eventually to my being able to have powerful, shuddering, eyeballs-rolling-into-the-skull, female ejaculating, g-spot-centered orgasms, one after the other after the other.

But I’m getting a little ahead of myself. Like, ten years ahead of myself. Because this is what I said recently to a whip-smart, sex-positive young woman of 21 who asked me how she could have g-spot orgasms: “Fuck yourself with a vibrating dildo and Hitachi Magic Wand on the clit for ten years, and maybe eventually you’ll have one.” To me, sex is kind of like a martial art, and you don’t become Mr Miyagi overnight. Maybe one can meditate their way to an orgasm, but not this gal. For me it took a certain amount of discipline and dedication, a decade of doing the do with self and others. But dang it, those were fun times with a pretty good payout! It’s not like I was training for the Olympics. It wasn’t even what I was doing with most of my time—I had a job or was in grad school, friends, hobbies, illnesses, vacations, etc.

Like many things, the path to a different feeling orgasm was gradual, and then sudden. I believe a few anatomical realities have played their part. For one, my g-spot seems to be quite deep. In fact, I found out the last time I went to the gynecologist that I have a deep pussy, period. She busted out the “extra long” speculum on me! So this means two 100% absolutely true things:

1) Most of my lovers hadn’t, and can’t, reach my g-spot with their penises

2) I AM A DEEP PERSON IN SOOOOOO MANY WAYS

But check this out: the more I ‘bated over the years (my preferred method involves a vibrator on the clit and a vibing dildo in the chacha—so pretty plugged-in I do admit), the more the epicenter of the ‘gasms migrated from the clitoris to this “interior area” that seems to exist—whaddya know—just inches inside the anterior wall of my vagina. When I was single, starting around age 31 (I’m 34 now), the more I concentrated on pleasuring this “spot”—which for me can require fairly intense ramming of the dildo, a contrast to the much softer, less direct way I would stimulate my clitoris—the more powerful and numerous the orgasms seemed to be. At times during these wank sessions I’d feel some liquid being released down there that I suspected could be ejaculate, but I wasn’t sure. Then, one night after reading a bunch of bad and good articles about squirting, I realized that the very worst that could happen at this stage of my vagina quest was I would pee my own bed like a toddler. I already was risking carpal tunnel. So I laid down some towels, got to work, got worked up and after having a long, powerful cum radiating like concentric pond circles from the interior spot through the whole of my entire being, I pulled out my dildo, took a breath and let go. And, I ejaculated! Not crazy power-hose streams like you see in porn, but a proud, honorary gush. It made a decent sized wet spot on the towel that smelled subtle and not like urine—sort of like seawater?

I now gush almost every time I orgasm with myself—the amount of fluid seems to depend on how hydrated and/or turned on I am. Also, I’m probably imagining this part—but I perceive with my solipsistic vagina vision quest goggles an ever-so-slight transition that occurs right after the moment I decide to give in to the hallmark “I have to pee sensation” that precedes both the need to urinate and ejaculate. I imagine a vascular railyard switch somewhere up there which causes the release of liquid to have a softer flow, as opposed to the more controlled stream of my urine. I wonder, do men feel a railyard switch between urine and ejaculate in a similar way? Do any ladies that squirt feel the railyard switch? And after I’ve nutted, I am completely exhausted, literally drained in a way that is different from my orgasms of yore. All I want to do is roll over and saw logs like some male chauvie pig.

At this stage of my vagina vision quest, I haven’t had a g-spot orgasm with a partner nearly as powerful as I can give myself, and the few scant times I’ve ejaculated with guys was technically given by my trusty dildo, and not a penis—though no one complained about this technicality in the slightest. Maybe I won’t ever have the same kind of orgasm with a guy’s penis that I do with myself. But that’s okay. Because when it comes to me, I may see my OWN sexual pleasure as a vagina vision quest, but I see sex with someone else as a different kind of vision quest: a feeling of body differences, tactile exploration, chemistry experiments, a body-mind-soul love quest, ya dig? Orgasms are a nice byproduct to that (ideally) holistic experience. Not to knock the orgasms I have from PIV— I would describe them as a mad decent blend of clit and vag, made infinitely more pleasurable by seeing the bright smile on a bed buddy’s face.

This is one thing I wish the xoJane readership, which I believe is mostly in its 20s, to remember: Life changes. People change. Orgasms change. And of course ideas change, become adapted, rejected and resurrected. I think men like Freud, Kinsey and Hefner made important contributions to human sexuality, and I also think it is important that women have and continue to reject, redefine and reclaim male-centered notions of sexuality. The oft-cited 75% figure of women who don’t have an orgasm from vaginal intercourse is mandate enough to revisit the whole enchilada of male-female relations. In fact, I have to admit I take a (perverse?) glee in the implication given (mainly by men) that if 75% of women can’t even be pleasured by penises, that 75% of women have no use for men. If only that were really true! Because 75% of women deciding they don’t need men at all, for anything, is a revolution more powerful than any old nut, any old day.

More of Jessica Trueblood Riddle’s writing can be found on her blog Pride and Provenance

It’s hard to put into words just exactly the kind of hyper-gendered scandal this store perpetuates on American women, but I will try. First of all, the color scheme, pink and white, is enough to send any little girl into Barbie land–a bad place in the mind reserved for hairless bodies and male fantasy. The “helpful” women in the store are all dressed in conservative black slacks and blazers, in strict contrast to the brightly colored underwear adorning the translucent mannequins aka torsos without faces, arms, legs or substance.

While the store does sell underwear, what is mostly being sold is sex, or hope of sex. People may come to “spice things up,” to “rekindle,” “impress,” or buy gifts guaranteed to make a recipient feel she could be more attractive. Even the gift certificates in this place, marked with the phrase “I Do,” carry a social message: now that you are married, get sexy. You will obviously need lots of help to do this.

“I do” gift card, for all the times when you feel like you don’t.

Victoria’s Secret “Tied the Knot” underwear with knotted sides so that the “knot” may be easily untied. Clever.

In its “Sexy Little Fantasies” category, Victoria’s Secret infantilizes women while sexualizing them; “Sexy Little Santa Baby” may be the best and most ridiculous example of this. Shhh don’t tell…it’s Victoria’s Secret.

Sexy Little….Halloween Costumes?

The store positions itself using the idea of the “secret” to imply that if you are a woman, there is always something missing, something hidden, something without which you are less than ideal. However, if we want to get critical about Victoria’s Secret, it has become rather evident that her secret is to make women feel like they aren’t feminine enough and then sell them femininity, as if it can be bought. She’s a smart lady.

This is why when NPR decided to feature artist Julia Kozerski’s weight loss photos, “Changing Room,” as part of “The Picture Show”- a feature on their blog aimed at showcasing photographers, we were a bit skeptical.

With fat showing up in our Facebook feeds in the form of this video where a news anchor attacks her critics, and after reading the esteemed Lindy West’s take on obesity and her takedown of Dan Savage (and his rebuttal), it may seem that there is little to add to an already big conversation.

Films like the horrendous “Shallow Hal,”  wherein a man starts to see women for their inner beauty (manifested of course in the form of thin and blonde Gwyneth Paltrow) epitomize the national psyche as far as beauty is concerned.

In many ways, the photographs of Kozerski that NPR chose to showcase just reyify the American weight loss story. Her interview with NPR largely focuses on her weight loss rather than her artistic practice. Through NPR’s populist lens, Kozerski’s appears to be the tale of an exceptional fat person who manages to live up to her full potential as evidenced by her eventual thinness. While the weight loss itself is exceptional — the pictures show a woman loosing a tremendous amount of weight (160 pounds) over the period of a year–the interviewer sums up her weight loss as if it was relatively simple:

As for how she lost the weight? She stopped eating junk food, started walking and biking daily, counted calories, and weighed and measured her food portions. (You can see a BodyBugg armband in many of the photos.)

The first, and possibly most influential photo is in the series NPR chose to display is of  the overweight Kozerski in her wedding dress. The narrative that can be inserted here is that a man has agreed to marry this overweight woman, so then she proceeds to lose a ton of weight- perhaps rewarding him for his faith in her as a fat person. Upon looking at the complete body of work on Kozerski’s website it is apparent that the photographic series “Changing Room” is by far the least visually interesting or emotionally powerful of her otherwise significant collection. NPR also curiously chose to exclude photos of Kozerski crying which are also part of the “Changing Room” series–visually homogenizing and streamlining the weight loss process.

Kozerski’s other series “Half” shows her naked post weight loss, her skin hanging off her loosely in a photo titled “Ruins.” In another photo, she is in bed naked with her average sized boyfriend and she is crying. In these photos we understand weight loss as what is actually is: a loss.

Ruins by Juila Kozerski http://juliakozerski.com/half

Absolution by Juila Kozerski http://juliakozerski.com/half

Lovers Embrace by Julia Kozerski http://juliakozerski.com/half

Kozerski: “Even though these images were taken years ago, when I look back at them, I become extremely emotional. I can still remember the experience presented in each image. I recall the thrills of trying on smaller sizes and the satisfaction of feeling more attractive, even sexy. More so, I remember the devastation of not recognizing the person reflected back to me in the mirror.”

When a person is forced to identify with a marginalized or belittled group of people–our nation’s obese–and becomes part of a new liberated social group, it is only natural that feelings of guilt may ensue. Dressed in a variety of clothes in her “Changing Room” photos, Kozerski presents as an average bodied individual, but upon seeing her naked with her husband, we realize she has a different story than most people who wear her jeans. In a photo entitled “Absolution,” she is looking up and crying. One wonders what she is absolved of; Is it the burden of obesity, or is it the sin of forsaking her previous identity? In these photos, we see that in our society, having a relationship with fat is having a relationship with pain. Fat IS a feeling.

This product will literally make you gag–just try brushing your tongue, the latest unclean organ.

Number 9: Lip Explosion!

Kabooom. Your lips have exploded. Go pick up the pieces of your flesh all over the floor. This product seems like it’s along the lines of “Lip Venom,” meant to increase the size of women’s lips via some magical chemical that should “only be used within your natural lip line” and that “should not be used by pregnant women.” It sounds really safe!

Number 8: Frownies:

So, why you look so sad? Tears are in your eyes…c’mon and talk to meeee now… Our reader Christine turned us on to this patent-medicine era cure-all for wrinkles. As is often the case, this product was created when a mother turned her critical eye on her daughter, deciding that though talented, the girl was simply not looking good.

Frownies were created in 1889 after Margaret Kroesen discovered that her daughter Alice, a concert pianist, had developed unsightly wrinkles and frown lines. With a desire to maintain her youthful beauty and stage presence, Mrs. Kroesen created Wrinkle Eradicators (as they were first called) by employing the basic principle of fitness to the muscles of the face. At the time, there was no thought of producing them for anyone else but herself and her daughter. But Alice, after using her mother’s amazing invention, was a living testimony, and it became clear that women and men everywhere could benefit from these Wrinkle Eradicators.

Kroesen went on to join a company called B&P (Beauty and Personality) where she eventually got her daughter the pianist to help her pedal anti-wrinkle products. The women in her family continue to follow suit to this day, devoting their lives to preventing wrinkles.

Margaret Kroesen, Frownies Founder conveniently wore bangs, so we may never know if she had wrinkles. Below, Frownies for the eyelids in full effect.

Number 7: Teeth Covers:

These are not as horrific as they are strange. Some people can’t afford dental care or have a fear of dentists, and for those people we present teeth covers. These are not fake teeth, but teeth that you wear over your existing teeth–think Halloween teeth but reverse Billy-Bob.

 Number 6: Tooth Paint:

Apparently they make white-out for your teeth. I wonder what it tastes like? Apparently it won’t come off for 24 hours, even if you drink alcohol. Phew.

Number 5: Circle Lenses:

The blog Cute In Korea turned us on to these contact lenses that can make your eyes look just like Sailor Moon’s! Circle lenses are all the rage in Korea, taking off where colored contacts leave off, these lenses include star shapes and are meant to enlarge the iris. The results are pretty jaw dropping.

Though the trend is somewhat disturbing, we would like to give props to Korea for putting the Fake in Fake Pretty. These beauty innovators have taken enhancement to cartoonish levels, perhaps even to the level of hybridization.

Cute in Korea’s Elle also pointed out another interesting trend she spotted. Apparently beauty products in that country are increasingly advertised by dolls- think Steve Madden ads or those Bratz toys. For more on that, visit her blog.

Number 4: Double Chin Strap:

There are so many variations of this gadget that it’s ridiculous. Either it really works, or people are willing to do just about anything to get rid of a turkey neck. Heck, we have our chin strap on right now. It makes eating chocolate cake difficult, but whatever. Beauty hurts.

Number 3: Smile Trainer:

When your smile refuses to do all the heavy lifting happiness requires, it might be time for the Beauty Smile Trainer. This device promises to turn your frowns upside down. It’s unclear exactly how, but we will leave the guesswork up to you. Maybe you just look at the device for a few seconds everyday and laugh hysterically? That’s probably how it works.

Thanks to April for this one!

Number 2: Ear Splints:

Do your ears swing low? Worse yet, do your baby’s ears swing low? A number of companies are marketing ear splints for infants and adults. These splints promise to put your ears back where they belong, making you generally less adorable. No one wants a baby that looks like Dumbo, he was too cute.

Number 1: My New Pink Dot Labia Dye:

This product is too horrific to even imagine, yet obviously someone did imagine it, because it exists. Apparently some women (or their partners?)  are unhappy with the color of their labia–that, or the advertising geniuses responsible for making every woman in America feel fat are at it again. This paint will apparently dye your lady parts a pleasant pink or ginger color, depending upon your preference.

This patent pending formula was designed by a female certified Paramedical Esthetician after she discovered her own genital color loss. While looking online for a solution she discovered thousands of other women asking the same questions regarding their color loss. After countless searches revealing no solution available and a discussion with her own gynecologist she decided to create her own. Now there is a solution!

Reading the “customer reviews” which are mostly snarky and hilarious or feigning confusion, it becomes clear that Karan Mari, the creator of My New Pink Button is probably not earning much income for this particular creation.

Most of the products listed in this roundup can be found on Amazon. Click our carousel widget, and make sure not to buy anything accidentally. Who knows what you could end up looking like!?!

If you want to go a little bit farther…

There is even a professional mask option…

Pee Wee as Plastic Surgery Victim

Plastic Surgery Costume Inspiration

to Honey Boo-Boo Child,

narrowing down the options was difficult. However, after watching many a makeup tutorial on YoutTube and seriously considering dressing as Edward Scissorhands,

the best costume we have come up with is Anime Girl.

Our costume is based upon 19-year-old Anastasia Shpagina from Ukraine who has turned herself into a living Anime character, complete with a questionably *Japanese* name “Fukkacumi.”

Shpagina exemplifies a disturbing trend in the cartoonifying of women long seen in Asia and embraced in America in the form of Bratz dolls and Steve Madden Ads.

Bratz Dolls

Shpagina is friends with 21-year-old Valeria Lukyanova, also of Ukraine, who has turned herself into a living Barbie doll.

Anime Girl, left, and Barbie Girl picnic.

While we will get into the obviously questionable ethics of becoming living dolls in later posts, we want to show you some makeup tutorials we found helpful in achieving the creepy Halloween Anime Girl look.

Anime Girl and Barbie Girl.

Apparently, Lady Gaga has created her own version of the costume, which may be helpful for those of you wishing to get very dramatic.

The basic decision is whether to paint eyes on top of your existing eyes, or to go more “natural.” Since it’s Halloween, we’re going to go all the way and paint our lids. We might also try to do something so that when our eyes are open they also look Anime-esque. We might also incorporate tape to get the upturned nose.

If you go for a more natural look, this woman is a fantastic makeup artist.

In other Haloween news, we are also really excited to be attending the premiere of “American Mary” at Lincoln Center on Friday Oct. 27. The film centers around a young female med student who ends up performing elective surgeries on all sorts of freaky clientelle. It was created by twins Jenn and Sylvia Soska, whose NPR interview piqued our interest. We probably will have tons more Halloween costume ideas after seeing the film, so check back soon.

Also, send us photos of your creepiest most Fake Pretty Halloween costumes! If you are more into gore, Zipper Face was our favorite costume in that category.

We are into costumes that show what is beneath the skin–from cyborg to hand stitched doll to the classic Frankenstein.

Though Amazon may take some inspiration from the tribe of notoriously one-breasted women (Amazons) who enjoyed shooting arrows through the hearts of men, these products offer a different kind of sting– the sting of perfection!!! OUCH.

“Fat Girl Slim” and “Fat Girl Sleep” (products that seem like commands you might give an animal) are our personal favorites. Though the flatulence deodorizing pads brought to our attention by a reader are also pretty amazing. If you are worried about smells, you could just use the reshaping nose clips pictured above and never have to deal with unpleasant scents ever again. Do you have any products to add to this horrific list?

What are YOUR beauty secrets?